Most parents have to go through the wonderful Velcro phase with their children. I don’t mean the shoes – I am talking about when it seems like your children are super glued to you, and leaving them with a babysitter is harder than tearing your own hand off! Okay, maybe it isn’t quite that hard, but sometimes it does seem that way, doesn’t it? Many kids go through times like this, and most grow out of this phase eventually. However, there are some children who take a lot longer to get over it, and some kids have these issues because of circumstances beyond their control.
Divorce is ever growing in North America, and kids all over the continent are having to face feelings and issues that they were never meant to go through. However, divorce isn’t always avoidable, and if you can see that your children are starting to suffer from the effects of your family situation, (whether it be divorce or a parent leaving) there are steps you can take with your children to help them through the tough times.
One of the biggest issues that come out when a child goes through the traumatizing event of divorce or a parent leaving is the feeling of abandonment. Unfortunately, many parents don’t think that their decisions will affect their children very much, and make the mistake of assuming that they will be just fine. This couldn’t be farther from the truth. Kids pick up on a lot more than we think they do, and they can feel the same complex feelings that we do. The difference is that we have the maturity and life experience to work through those feelings, while they sometimes don’t know what to do with them, or how to express them.
If your child has been worried lately about being left with a babysitter or anxious that you are not going to come back from the grocery store, you need to validate their feelings. Try telling them a few times every day how much you love them and love spending time with them. When you put them to bed at night, let them know that you are here to stay, and would never even consider leaving them. It may take a while for your children to stop associating you being gone with being abandoned, but after a while, they will be okay with you going out. The key is repetition. You are basically retraining their minds to associate something good with what was once a bad memory. This takes time and patience, but if you keep at it, you should start noticing a positive difference in your children soon.
Another good thing you can do for your children would be to get the other parent to talk to them about these things as well. It is important that they hear something positive from the parent that they don’t see as often anymore. If the other parent is not able to do this, then I would recommend reminding your children of the good times they had with their other parent, and how much they are loved by the both of you.